hope-rises

What’s in Your Bag?

Mon, 12 Dec 2022 15:55:07 GMT

By Michelle Garrett, MS, LMFT

There was a time in my life where the word “forgiveness” was a four letter word. Just hearing the word “forgiveness” struck the deepest cords of anger and hurt. How do you wrap your mind around something that seems nearly unforgivable? As a therapist, I have seen so much hurt and anger coming from wounds inflicted by others, by loss, and often by a series of difficult circumstances. But, this time the pain was mine, and it was deep, and it was personal. It caused ripples in every area of my life including severing key relationships in my life. At times it felt like I was like walking headfirst into a blizzard, blindly: Each step taking my breath away, as I walked into uncertainty. But, each step I didn’t take could lead to certain death.

Have you felt this kind of pain? Or maybe it’s a different kind of pain? Have you suffered through difficult circumstances, losses or even ongoing painful relationships? Many of those get amplified during the Holidays, with each commercial for a Holiday meal reminding you of what you don’t have. Or the very mention of family gatherings or gift giving, can bring anxiety, stress, or in the case of lost loved ones, gut-wrenching pain.

As our family walked through these dark hours, I began to carry around a new bag, stuffed with emotions that typically weren’t mine to carry. One of the most profound was “anger.” It was the kind of anger that looked more like hate and it ate away at me. This was pain deeper than I had ever imagined, leaving me in circumstances that were unfamiliar and a future I feared more than hoped for. This “bag” was heavy and I knew it would define me if I allowed it to. I also realized that I could shove that bag behind some stuff in a “closet” of unaddressed emotions and try to forget about it and just move forward. But this bag was big, and it was toxic. And, it wasn’t going anywhere, if I didn’t do something about it myself.

Moving forward was so hard. I recalled the words of Mother Teresa, “You don’t know God is all you need, until He’s all you’ve got.” We’d lost so much, but I still had my husband and two kids, so as best as I could, I tried to believe her. I grabbed on her words like a lifeline, trying to move forward, watching pieces begin to fall together as we rebuilt our lives. Slowly, I began to step into “hope,” but I still had that “bag of emotions” tucked safely inside of the “closet.” But what I realized was that the word “forgiveness” is actually quite powerful, because each time I heard it, that “bag of emotions” would come tumbling out of the closet and spill itself all over the floor, leaving me raw, overwhelmed and angry. The word “forgiveness” actually stopped me in my tracks and showed me exactly where I was in my own healing. As a therapist, I knew I couldn’t stay here. Because typically a word like forgiveness doesn’t trigger anger.

I was challenged by someone to write letters that I would never send, to those who hurt me and my family, I pushed through the walls of anger and exposed raw pain that the anger had covered up, blocking me from my own healing. It was hard and I worked through grief I didn’t expect. But, I also learned several things:

I could get through it.
God is enough.
There is actual freedom on the other side.
I had to go through all of the stages of grief to experience that freedom, and any pit stop in the areas of anger/blame/resentment, or bargaining/guilt/codependency, or denial in any form would only serve to block me from dealing with the pain.
Dealing with pain, was exactly what led to my own recovery.
Forgiveness came naturally for the first time, after I allowed myself to go into the dark places of my pain.
And, I will never forget a lady named “Leslie” who walked through this painstaking journey with me.

In the Bible, Jesus says to forgive not 7 times, but 70x7. I always believed that this symbolized a type of forgiveness that knew no limits; but, I also wonder if perhaps Jesus says this because He understood that real forgiveness might be a process? But, it also says to forgive as we have been forgiven, as an essential to being made right with God. And, it isn’t just asked in the Christian Faith, it’s expected. So, out of obedience, we step into it, 70x7, until it isn’t just words or a behavior: it is a true heart change, and includes the healing and freedom that we desire.

So, if you will bear with me, a few more thoughts on forgiveness. I’ve had the honor of walking through this process with people who have had great difficulty in forgiving themselves for something. I want to remind you of the power of forgiving yourself. We are all human. We all make mistakes and decisions that we wish we could re-write. But, I want to offer to you that if you can hang in there through the guilt, shame and repentances that may need to be made, you may truly have an opportunity to experience God’s love and forgiveness on a greater level than you ever imagined.

In the Bible there was the story of the prostitute who was about to be stoned to death by religious others, and met Jesus in the context of a profound, short, but life-changing conversation. (John 8:1-11) The religious teachers and Pharisees asked Jesus if they should “stone” her as Moses had indicated. Jesus drew something in the sand and then stood and said, “He who is without sin, cast the first stone.” Each realizing they too had fallen short in various ways, dropped their stones and walked away. Here is the pivotal piece: Jesus then says to her, “Where are your accusers?” She says, “No one, Lord.” She looked up, out of fear and shame, and meet Jesus, eye to eye. I believe He asked her to look up, to see He had seen her, protected her, and forgave her. Then He says, “Then neither do I condemn. Go no more in sin.” He is relational. He forgives. He gives new beginnings. He calls us to greater things. We are loved. Not because of what we do, but because of who He is.

Forgiveness is such a complex concept that no article could ever do it justice. I don’t know that it is ours to impose the act of forgiveness on another, but, the answer to this question often helps us to gauge where we are in our own healing process. And, the emotions that are revealed often act as the guide. Surely, forgiving another is a blessing that can be beyond comprehension, for the forgiven. But this article was actually written for the broken-hearted, struggling to forgive.

I told you of the bag of emotions that blocked my own healing for a time... So, tell me, what’s in your bag?

- Michelle Garrett, MS, LMFT is a Staff Therapist at TLCC

Reposted from www.tlccok.com December, 2022

Stress and Gratitude

Sun, 11 Dec 2022 16:02:36 GMT

by Michelle Garrett, MS, LMFT

This year with Thanksgiving fast approaching, I found myself looking differently at things. Thanksgiving serves as a grand entrance to the Holiday Season. And, yet to so many, this holiday of gratitude marks the beginning of a very stressful time of year. Most of us, already living fast-paced lives, find ourselves thrust into “fast forward” during the holidays: Tyrannized by our own list of to-do’s, losing appreciation for and connection to the most important things in our lives. Many of which are supposed to be celebrated during this season.

How do we connect more with the gratitude of the season and less with the stress? I researched this and found I wasn’t the first curious person on this topic. It appears there is a relationship between stress and gratitude:an inverse relationship. That is, the higher the level of gratitude a person has, the lower their stress level. (Wood, Maltby, Gillett, Linley, and Joseph. 2008).

Additionally, Dr. Robert A. Emmons, a researcher in the field of positive psychology, studied the effects of gratitude in 2003 and found that in his experimental group, who regularly practiced gratitude for 10 weeks, had a 25% increase in rating their personal happiness. They also were found to have less health complaints, less doctors visits, they exercised more, and slept better.

Perhaps this is why Thanksgiving comes first, before Christmas: To remind us to be grateful. Christmas started with the Holiest of gifts - the Birth of our Savior. And, yet we as a culture have made this Season into so much of what it was never intended to be. Yet I am told that the first Thanksgiving, regardless of differences, people came together to celebrate their gratefulness to the God who gives. Together. And, it was gratitude that ushered in the Holiday Season. Maybe the order of the holidays was supposed to teach us a lesson.

In summary, here is what gratitude offers to us:

It refocuses us on the positive, reminding us of what we appreciate in life. (Phil. 4:8)
Increases positivity and halts negative thought patterns (Phil 4:6-7)
Helps us to appreciate and focus on what we actually have (Psalm 100:1-5)
It renews the mind and increases mental and emotional resiliency (Romans 12:2)
It can help counterbalance the negative effects of stress (Proverbs 17:22)
It helps us to embrace our own life and reminds us to pay it forward (2 Cor 9:11)
Offers a fuller perspective on life that isn’t stress or negativity focused (1 Thes 5:18)
It rewires the brain, increasing positive thoughts and associations (Romans 12:2)

…And it reminds me that my lengthy “to-do” list isn’t just “have-to’s”, but instead a list of “get-to’s.” Everything on my list is there because I chose it, or because I own it, or simply because I breathe. No matter how difficult my situation is, I get to do this. And, as a counselor, I know there are some incredibly painful circumstances. There are times where being grateful is a real challenge. But, I can be grateful for the sunshine, or food, or a friend, or an encouraging passerby. And, with that realization, the glass shifts: It’s no longer half-empty but can be beautifully, half-full.

So, join me in a daily challenge of finding 3-5 unique things to be grateful for daily. Create an ongoing journal, maybe one on your phone. And, let’s see if this gratitude stuff is all that they say it is.

"Cheerfulness is the best promoter of health and is as

friendly to the mind as to the body." -Joseph Addison

Resources

Emmons, PhD, Robert A.(June, 2011) Why Gratitude is Good.Retrieved from http://www.dailygood.org

Wood AM, Maltby J, Gillett R, Linley PA & Joseph S (2008)The role of gratitude in the development of social support, stress, and depression: Two longitudinal studies, Journal of Research in Personality, 42 (4), pp. 854-871.

Author: Michelle Garrett, MS, LMFT. Michelle is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Approved Supervisor for the State of Oklahoma, and, also a clinical member at Transforming Life Counseling Center.

Reposted from www.tlccok.com September, 2018.

Peer Pressure: Parents, Here is What You Didn’t Know...

Mon, 12 Sep 2022 16:37:24 GMT

Peer Pressure: Parents, Here is What You Didn’t Know...

By Michelle Garrett, MS, LMFT

When our children are little, we are the most powerful influence in their lives. As our children grow, however, we begin to watch our level of influence decrease. As kids enter school, their peers gain in influence over them. As they begin to move into the world, socially, academically, and hobbies and sports, it is completely natural for them to grow in independence and learn how to be successful in this world. What dictates “success” for a child or a teenager doesn’t always involve the best decision-making, though.

Moving into the teen years, we, as parents begin to take a “back seat” in influence. It is a hard truth that I have heard over and over. I’ve learned this professionally and have watched it play out in the lives of my own four kids. We pray we’ve taught them well and that they make good decisions. But, there are real pressures out there. Let’s take a look at what this all means.

So often we think of peer pressure as a bad thing. Every one of us knows someone who came from a good family, someone who had everything going for them, but then the got in with the “wrong crowd.” Peer pressure isn’t always negative, however; and, seeing it as a negative force is fear-based, potentially assuming that we or our child may in some way be powerless to it’s effects.

Here are some basics about peer pressure:

Peer pressure can be negative, but it can also be positive.

The powerful effects of positive peer pressure are part of what brings us to church, or to join a club or a sports team.

Peer pressure, like influence, can be powerful, but it also subtle.

Subtleties like time spent with someone, or observing choices another makes can be very powerful. Think about the importance of relationship: If you know another person cares for you and can relate to you, that’s effective and subtle

Peer pressure is more effective if we are isolated.

This is true with positive peer pressure and negative peer pressure. Think about the first story of negative peer pressure: Adam and Eve. Making friends with the snake wasn’t going to lead Eve in a good direction. Isolation didn’t help either. NOTE TO SELF: If I am making a decision that I don’t want to discuss with those that care about me most, my warning signals need to be going off.

We are social beings, with the power to influence and be influenced. This is precisely why we hear things like, “Show me your friends and I will show you your future,” or “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with...”

As a parent, here some important thoughts on peer pressure:

Teach kids to know themselves and their goals. Help them to see how decisions they make and people they hang out with will interfere with their goals. This is important. They most likely will be more motivated to reach their own goals than they will be to reach yours.
Be willing to have the difficult conversations with your kids. These conversations will be had by your kids: Make sure it’s you that does it first. It will make it easier for them to come to you when they need it most.
Teach your kids know how to identify their influence and leverage it for good. Remember, influence or peer pressure can be direct or subtle. Your teen can lead directly by starting or joining a group at school. Or they can lead more subtly, by how the choices they make and how they treat others.
Equip your kids to lead and influence for good. Multiple studies and programs have taken place in schools across our country equipping and empower teens to teaching teens how to positively mentor, lead and influence their peers. These are things we can also teach at home. Check out these two TedTalks: Risa Berrin Hijacking the High School Peer Pressure System. And, Leyla Bravo-Willey’s Positive Peer Pressure in Schools. These programs teach students positive social and emotional skills, leadership, how to have difficult conversations, teaching compassion, SMART goals, healthy choices and wise decision-making.
Here is a great challenge: “Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. D not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.” Romans 12:9-13
Who you surround yourself with matters. Enough said.

**This article can also be viewed on the finds.life.church website.

Michelle Garrett, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the State of Oklahoma and, also a clinical member at Transforming Life Counseling Center.

This can also be found on www.finds.life.church website.

Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Mon, 12 Sep 2022 16:30:56 GMT

Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Michelle Garrett, MS, LMFT

1. Awareness - statistics, prevalence, risk factors and which factors predict higher likelihood of acting on suicidal ideations. Mental d/o’s that correlate to suicidal thoughts and behavior.

Since 2007, suicide rates have doubled in youth populations and it's the 10th leading cause of death in our society. Statistically, women have more suicide attempts, while men have higher completion rates. Certain populations have higher rates of suicide, however, suicide crosses all demographics.

Since early 2020, we have been watching rates of depression, anxiety, trauma/ptsd, sleep difficulties increase by at least 40%. Because of isolation, and the aforementioned, suicide rates have increased dramatically, as well.

The mindset of someone dealing with suicidal depression: Many, if not most, people have experienced dark times in life that have led them down a dark path. With depression, everything is experienced through a lense of darkness and hopelessness: Our relationships, our outlook on life, and our future, can all seem bleak and hopeless. Even our relationship with God can feel distant. The ability to feel joy, hope, purpose and worth are all compromised by this dark lense. Depression and suicidal thoughts can be treated with great success though, through counseling, increasing support and occasionally medications. Ask for help.

The neurochemistry within the brain of a depressed or suicidal person? Show how the brain functions differently than when we are feeling on top of our game.
The file cabinet metaphor of being stuck in one part of the brain (or you can use the idea of depression glasses in which the only lense we are looking through is that of depression, where our thoughts, emotions, relationships, view of the world and self are all colored by that lense. We don’t see the other aspects of our lives because we aren’t in that part of the brain.
Painful emotions can be seen as our “emergency response system” much like the lights on the dashboard of a car. Trust your perspective

The following are symptoms of depression and suicidal risk. Those starred with an asterisk are more serious and may suicidal risk.

Depressive symptoms

Sad or depressed mood,
Loosing interest in things one used to care about
Changes in normal behavior, like difficulty sleeping or eating
Chronic pain or illness
Isolating oneself, withdrawing from others

Indicate higher risk

*Statements about being hopeless, worthless, or a burden
*Statements like "I wish I wasn't here" or "I wish I was dead."
*Talking about killing oneself, self-harm, or suicide in general; preoccupation with death.
*Substance abuse
*Having firearms in the home
*History of suicide attempts (personally); family history of suicide

Note: No one symptom in and of itself indicates suicidality, with the exception of direct threats, but more symptoms present indicate higher risk.

ACTION STEPS compile info from the SAMSHA.org and www.Jasonfoundation.com websites. ALSO bringing awareness to certain things in the cultural climate and the media that might encourage suicidal behavior and self harm

2 Identifying Risk, assessing for risk (do they have a plan?Do they have the means? (ie: gun, pills, etc.) How likely are they to act on the plan (intent?). PMI; scale of 1-10.

ACTION STEPS compile info from the SAMSHA.org and www.Jasonfoundation.com websites
When in doubt, refer to a medical professional (Doctor, therapist, psychologist) and let them do the assessing. You may need to set the appointment and accompany the person. Then with the professional, create a plan for safety, support, healing and hope.
Ground yourself - don’t buy into their helplessness.

3. Intervention Protocol - General -

How to talk with the person,
How to access help and provide resources,
creating a safety plan (contacting parents,
providing resources,
checking up,
providing more support through follow-up contact and prayer.).

ACTION STEPS - compile info from the SAMSHA.org and www.Jasonfoundation.com websites,
Create a list of resources in each campus’ local
Check out the app that is on the www.Jasonfoundation.com , “A friend asks.” It is an excellent and handy resource for adults and students. Perhaps LC would want to change it up some and rebrand/personalize it. Or just use this to equip your leaders and students. It has warning signs, how to help a friend, how to ask the right questions, what not to do, a link to SAMSHA.org which has nationwide stats, and resources in most communities. It also has a link to Rascal Flats organization B1 - which is aimed at suicide prevention. This provides much of what you need for this presentation at your fingertips!!

Protocol for leaders and parents. (These might be very similar - components to include education, prevalence, risk factors, how to assess and recognize who is at-risk and who is likely to act on a suicidal plan (both need intervention). Developing a plan of action to contact family members, provide resources, connect to resources if necessary and follow-up plan. The plan of action will likely have a decision tree that will provide direction depending on levels of severity. Share the truth of God’s love. Remind them that we can only do our best, but if something happens, it is not our fault.

Protocol for students - 1. education to bring awareness, 2. help them to identify depression, hopeless feelings, suicidal thoughts, isolation, etc., 3. what can be done to help them or their friends, help them see other options, what it means to be a true friend, what God sees when He sees you (not “junk”, He didn’t make a mistake), 4. Give them a plan of action - Find a safe relationship to be honest - Tell a parent, leader, pastor, or teacher and keep telling until you get help. Sharing the truth of God’s love. Reminder that although we can take steps to help, it isn’t our fault if someone does attempt or kill themselves. Well meaning people and trained professionals sometimes can’t prevent it.

4. Prevention - Awareness, reminding people to watch for the warning signs in themselves and in others so they can catch it early. There is ALWAYS hope!!

To the broken-hearted:

First, remember you are not alone. Suicide is NEVER the answer. Jesus Cares. He says you are worthy. He says you have a purpose. He created someone in you that is like no other! Just because the lense of depression and hopelessness covers your view of the light, it doesn't mean there's no hope. You just might not be seeing it accurately. Psalm 34:18. Your life matters. God created you and He loves YOU. Nothing can separate you from Him. Not even when you "feel" separated from His love, are you separated. Romans 8:38-39.

Five Action Steps for Helping Someone in Emotional Pain from National Institute of Mental Health's website https://www.nimh.nih.gov:

1. Ask: “Are you thinking about killing yourself?” Studies show that asking at-risk individuals if they're suicidal doesn't increase suicidal thoughts.

2. Keep them safe: Reducing a suicidal person’s access to highly lethal items or places is an important part of suicide prevention. Ask the at-risk person if they have a plan and remove or disable the lethal means.

3. Be there: Listen carefully and learn what the individual is thinking and feeling. Findings suggest acknowledging and talking about suicide may in fact reduce suicidal thoughts.

4. Help them connect: The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline’s number is 1-800-8255 (TALK). Help them expand their support system by connecting them to a trusted family member, pastor, friend, medical doctor, counselor, etc.

5. Stay Connected: Studies show that suicide deaths go down when someone follows up with the at-risk person.

Give hope a chance. Find LIFE. Many, many have walked this journey successfully and have found God's healing. Isaiah 40:28-31, Jeremiah 29:11.

Our Call...

We are called, as Believers, to help bring Jesus' light into the world, but that doesn't mean hiding from the darkness. Depression and suicidality are isolative in nature. Meeting people where they are, in the midst of their pain, may be the only way to reach them.

This can also be found on www.finds.life.church website.

From the Counselor’s Couch… When Courage Meets Care

Mon, 12 Sep 2022 16:22:59 GMT

From the Counselor’s Couch… When Courage Meets Care

by Michelle Garrett, MS, LMFT

The last couple of years have been both a privilege and they have been difficult. Walking alongside many hurting people dealing with the various effects of the pandemic is something I can’t easily put words to. It’s complex because on some level everyone has been affected. Therapists are no different. Taking in the level of grief, fear, confusion, and the many different perspectives on world events has constantly been an eye-opening experience. It’s been heavy. But, like I said, it's been a privilege.

One thing that has spoken loud and clear in the past two years is the true dedication and heroism of our medical professionals. I am so grateful. I have clients, family and friends who have worked on the front lines, caring for people in a field that exposes them to the same disease they have watched many die from. They are heroes of mine. Here are a few:

** A very dear Nurse, who has worked on a hospital floor right next to a bulging ICU. Her own floor over-crowded with patients and for a time, she had to buy her own protective gear, because the hospitals weren’t able to fully supply. She got sick with covid, ending up in ICU at the very same hospital, this time as a patient. She almost died, and yet despite a lengthy and compromised recovery period she still goes to work every week. Her lesson: “I learned how important the little things are in caring for my own patients. After fighting depression for years, when I almost lost my life, I realized how much others cared and that I still want this life.” She’s my hero.

** The young ICU Nurse who was tough as nails and smart beyond her years. Week after week I watched her come in, sit down and put her face in her hands and shake as she sobbed. She told me story after story of patients that she cared for who died from Covid. Many times this hospital had been understaffed and under-equipped because of nobody’s fault.

This brave young lady, wept because she had to go in to work; but, she also wept because she couldn’t NOT go in. She wouldn’t give up, despite the exhaustion, fears of catching the disease herself at times when her own protective gear failed. Hero.

** The nurse who saw a dying man who had no family there to be with him. So she entered his room to share his last minutes here on earth because no one should have to die alone. She wouldn’t leave his side, reassuring him with words she didn’t even know she had. She said Jesus has been her companion. Hero

** There is a hospital worker who works in the offices but there is such a shortage because so many were sick, that 40 hours beyond her normal 40. Hero

** The Physician’s Assistant who caught covid, and couldn’t see her 3 year-old for several weeks because she was so sick. Hero

** The semi-retired doctor, who volunteered to go into a city hit particularly hard by covid and care for others, despite the fact that his own age put him in a higher risk category. Hero

** The doctor who balanced career and motherhood to volunteer additional hours to immunize people because she’d seen so many sick with covid. Hero

** The retired doctor who served as a Chief of Medicine for years at a large hospital returned to serve on a committee helping to oversee hospital protocols in dealing with Covid-19, citywide. Hero.

** ICU worker who cried tears of gratitude for someone who wrote a check for her department to recognize their sacrifices. Heroes

** Hospitals who provided meals to go so that the exhausted staff could go home and have a hot meal after their shift. Heroes.

In difficult times, few things are as powerful as compassion for another. Some of these stories have been heartbreaking, but each one illustrated a person sacrificing above and beyond to care for another. “Intense love does not measure. It just gives.” Mother Teresa. Thank you to all serving in the many facets of the healthcare industry. You deserve to know you make a difference, because you do.

This can also be found on Transforming Life Counseling Center’s blog at www.tlccok.com ”

What is Anxiety?

Mon, 12 Sep 2022 16:17:03 GMT

What is Anxiety

by Michelle Garrett, MS, LMFT

What is Anxiety and What Can I Do About It?

We have all experienced anxiety and fear. It would be nearly impossible to learn many lessons in life without anxiety and fear. Think about it like this: As the baby grows and develops, with the ability to sense fear, anxiety and/or pain in place, they’ll l be able to learn about themselves, others, the world, and, what to avoid.

Anxiety and fear both send messages to the brain that are then interpreted as a potential threat, triggering the fight or flight response.

What happens, when anxiety becomes an all too familiar companion, interrupting our sleep, thoughts, relationships, health and well-being? Living busy, over-committed lives can keep us living in chronic anxiety. The website www.anxiety.org differentiates anxiety from fear: Anxiety is defined as “a physiological and emotional response to a threat that the brain perceives. Fear, on the other hand, is a response to real danger.” Differentiating necessary and realistic fear from chronic, problematic anxiety is often difficult, because anxiety and fear both send messages to the brain that are then interpreted as a potential threat, triggering the fight or flight response.

Anxiety Symptoms and Anxiety Disorder?

There are a number of Anxiety Disorders in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V). Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder are a few of the more common ones. The Mayo Clinic ( www.mayoclinic.org ), offers a general list of symptoms that are common to people dealing with chronic, diagnosable anxiety disorders:

Feeling nervous, restless or tense
Having a sense of impending danger, panic or doom
Having an increased heart rate
Breathing rapidly / hyperventilating
Sweating
Trembling
Feeling weak or tired
Trouble concentrating or thinking about anything other than the present worry
Having trouble sleeping
Experiencing gastrointestinal (GI) problems
Having difficulty controlling worry
Having the urge to avoid things that trigger anxiety

When is it time to seek help?

Essentially, the more a person experiences a symptom, the more symptoms of anxiety they have, and the more severe the symptoms are, are necessary components in diagnosing a specific disorder. NOTE: If symptoms are getting in the way of daily functioning in the areas of work, sleep, health, relationship or emotional well-being, it is best to talk to your doctor or to a counselor.

What can I do about it?

Anxiety is one of the most common and treatable issues that brings people into therapy. Anxiety disorders respond well to many types of counseling including, cognitive and behavioral therapy, mindfulness, EMDR, life style changes, and medication, to name a few.

If you were coming into my office, we would first look at health, current medications, sleep and lifestyle. Many people suffer from stressful, over-packed lives. Inadequate sleep is also an issue, contributing to a vicious cycle. Referrals to a medical doctor are common to either rule out or treat underlying issues that may be contributing, before starting anti-anxiety meds. Sometimes medication are necessary.

Next, let’s look at what you can do to reduce anxiety and stress:

Physical well-being and Life-style changes :
Get healthy sleep. This is so important to mental health and physical health.
Diet. More water, less caffeine, increase protein, healthy fats and complex carbs; decrease simple carbs, unhealthy fats, and alcohol.
What supplements do you need? A doctor or nutritionist can help here.
Exercise - what’s your passion? Do it - it can reduce stress and depression and improve sleep.
Mindfulness meditation and/or yoga. Research Christian Mindfulness Meditations.
Breathe. Deep breathing literally reduces anxiety by sending oxygen to your brain. Hint: exercise, mediation, guided relaxation help.
Reduce stress - stop over-committing! Look at your priorities and your schedule. Does your schedule reflect the important things in your life or your overcommitment?

Developing Self-Awarenes s - On a scale of 1-10, where is your stress and anxiety at currently? Where is it on the average day? What helps you reduce anxiety. Research stress reduction, anxiety coping skills or relaxation techniques.

Emotional wellbeing - find support. Call a friend, family member, a mentor, or your pastor, a counselor, join a life group or support group. But don’t carry this alone.

Spiritual - Jesus is with you. He is in all and through all things and regardless of how much anxiety you are facing, real or imagined, that sun will rise and set each day. You are loved and there are real answers out there to help. Scriptures like Peter 5:7; Philippians 4:anything; John 14:27 and so many others in the Bible are great to write down, meditate on and say daily.

Start small but start today . Anxiety overwhelms us. If you make one change for the next week, start with sleep, exercise or diet. Or call someone for emotional support. Don’t overwhelm yourself by changing everything at once, but make each step count.

Remember, you are important. And, you are a vessel for the Holy Spirit. If you are carrying too much anxiety and stress, you won’t be as effective in the most important things in your life. If you need help, there is so much hope and support out there. Don’t let anxiety get in the way of seeking help.

References and Online Resources:

https://www.anxiety.org/fight-or-flight-fear-anxiety

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/generalized-anxiety-disorder/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20361045

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201210/coping-anxiety

This can also be found on www.finds.life.church website.

Married to a Unicorn

Mon, 12 Sep 2022 16:12:58 GMT

Married to a Unicorn

by Michelle Garrett, MS, LMFT

Wounds: We’ve all got them. Some people carry deeper wounds than others, but they are there. As a marriage therapist, one thing I’ve noticed over the years is that people who come in and say things like, “Our family was healthy growing up. My parents never fought and there really wasn’t any dysfunction.” These are often the most difficult because, like a unicorn, they could possibly exist, but aren’t common. Additionally, if you come from a Unicorn family, the likelihood of marrying another Unicorn, is pretty rare.

Multicultural counseling. That’s how I see marriage counseling. No two families are exactly alike, and no two people are alike: We have different personalities, different histories, different traumas, different birth order, different ways of expressing love and anger, different ways of working through conflict. The list goes on and on. As a therapist, one of my favorite things to do is understand each person’s unique story. Each story is personal and shapes how we see ourselves, our marriage, our lives, our connection to others, to our God, and to our past, present, and future.

For years, I’ve heard people actually mock the role that their childhood played in their current situations. Often, they will say things like, “Well, that was then. I want to deal with what’s going on right now.” It is EXACTLY our early history that creates the blueprint or default system that we each have in terms of understanding our value as a person, our roles in life, and our relationship-ability. Those early years teach us how to work through the hard times in life, how to show love, how to take care of ourselves and others, as well as how to relate to God. Likewise, it can also teach us how to distrust God and others. This default system is a system of neuropathways formed in the early years of learning repeated patterns of relating.

When we are in pain, or are hurting, lonely, or under stress, our default system can kick on, triggering some not so productive reactions. In these situations, we react out of pain, not objectivity. To further complicate things, in marriage, when we hurt our spouse, triggering our spouse’s default system to kick on. When our spouse is wounded their default system kicks on, and so the cycle of wounds, pain and reactions continues. These default systems can be retrained. We can learn new ways of being and find new ways to see ourselves and our spouse. I believe this is what the Bible talks about in Romans 12:2 about the “Renewing of the mind.”

In marriage, no matter how deeply blessed we are, we manage to hurt each other deeply. I believe it is due to several things: One is we have allowed the other to become so close to us that they are most likely to hit us in our most vulnerable spots. Another, is that we let our guards down when we allow others to become close to us. They see the whole of who we are. This is all a very important part of intimacy, but it is risky. Once we begin the negative cycle of hurting each other, we then begin to affirm some of our deepest wounds and fears, including, “I can’t be vulnerable with you,” or if I let people in too close they might let me down,” or “what if they reject me, or abandon me?” Here, the deep pain from past wounds becomes reactivated, and we can retreat into isolation, angry defenses, or even addictions or affairs. There are so many available options out there to hide our hurting hearts.

When we don’t address this negative cycle of wounds, we repeat past behaviors. I like to retreat and bury myself in “work.” Someone else might find their escape in sports, or overcommitment. The more we retreat, the less we address. Problems might even seem to dissipate. But, so does intimacy and connection. We then find that we can actually play on the same team, even communicate about certain aspects of being on that team, but at the end of the day we pack up our things and go home to our own personal form of retreat: Away from problems, but also, away from intimacy. This quieter cycle, the one of avoidance, actually can be the most deceptive of all. Because it can look good on the surface, but hide a hollow pain, that protects itself from healing and true intimacy.

Here is a scenario I often see: A wife who feels overwhelmed and lashes out at her husband making him feel insignificant and like he can’t do anything right. He then withdraws because he feels attacked and doesn’t like conflict. This leaves the wife to feel more alone and overwhelmed: Not important. All of this triggers old wounds for each of them. When we dig a little deeper we find that was the oldest child in a very large family and both parents worked. Leaving her alone, unequipped and overwhelmed. Sound familiar? His parents chronically fought and were very critical. He hates conflict because he never saw it done productively and learned to emotionally retreat. If we leave this alone and retreat to our corners we are left feeling like all of those old wounds are now further justified. Case in point: Our marriage is now proof that those old, false truths we believed about relationships and about ourselves are now true.

Let’s do a rewrite: Although marriage may be the arena that activates old wounds, the fact that we can trigger each other’s deepest wounds can provide an OPPORTUNITY for healing and repair of old wounds. So, here is the “how” behind the healing opportunities we have in marriage: The very fact that my spouse is so close to me and that I am so close to him has provided the perfect opportunity to shine a bright spotlight on the wounds I have brought into my own marriage. Because of that spotlight, marriage now provides the perfect arena for us to work together as well develop awareness, empathy and even healing for these wounds, that often go back well before the day we said, “I do.” I actually believe it is in the unpacking and deeper understanding of ourselves and our spouse that can provide this healing, which is an experiential form of healing. Perhaps this is why God hates divorce. Because divorce often reaffirms and solidifies the wounds from the past. It even provides an opportunity for greater pain.

This can only occur in a relationship that is safe from physical and emotional harm, though. Please hear me on this: When safety is in question, you must find help and healing. If your marriage is not safe and your partner is completely unwilling to work on these things, separation, even in the form of divorce may be the better option. Seeking professional help and talking to a trusted friend or even the authorities, is extremely important in these situations.

Ok, so back to multicultural counseling and unicorns. Each person is different, as is each marriage. It is in the deeper understanding of these unique differences that we come to know and appreciate ourselves and our spouses more deeply. Sometimes it takes hitting a difficult place in our marriage that people seek awareness and healing and, what we often find is that we begin to fall in love again, because at this new deeper level it is fresh and green. And, this can happen regardless of the mess people bring in. And believe me, sometimes the bigger mess provides an opportunity for even greater healing. When I became a counselor - I never dreamed I would fall in love with marriage counseling. I hate drama. I even avoid conflict a little. But, it is amazing to see what two willing people, submitting to the greater good, can do.

As a believer in Christ, I firmly believe that marriage is one of the greatest opportunities for us to learn to be more like Jesus. As He approached His death, carrying the Cross up that hill, scorned by multitudes, abandoned by those He loved, He carried the burden of the Cross to His death. For us. He did nothing wrong. 2,000 years later, I live and grow from His sacrificial love for me. So, if my husband hurts me, I will gladly carry the Cross for him. Because in marriage, learning to sacrificially love, and step over my woundedness to love him, forgive him for things he’s done, is an honor. He has done the same thing for me. And, let me tell you, no matter how much I know in my counseling office, I lose all objectivity when I come home. I’ve said things that have cut to the core, and he still offers to sacrificially love me and forgive me. And, my husband carries the Cross for me - for what I have done to personally hurt him. We continue to learn to do that for each other. And, because I know my husband has loved and forgiven me, I want to be a better wife. And, because Jesus has loved and forgiven me, it makes me want to be a better a follower of Christ.

This can also be found on Transforming Life Counseling Center’s blog at www.tlccok.com .

From the Counselors Couch... “HOW do you do what you do (for a living)?”

Mon, 12 Sep 2022 16:09:33 GMT

From the Counselors Couch...

By Michelle Garrett, MS, LMFT

I can’t tell you how many times I get the question, “HOW do you do what you do (for a living)?” Some brave souls will even ask,”WHY?!” I suppose they’re implying, “why would you want to listen to people’s problems all day?” Or maybe, “how do you manage to hear difficult stories all day without slipping into some deep, dark, depression yourself?”

Quite honestly, my clients inspire me. I am touched by their trust, honesty and vulnerability. I never liked being around fake people. People tend to lose the facade when they allow themselves the difficult privilege of looking deeply into themselves and life’s painful experiences. It is this journey where many of life’s valuable lessons occur:

1. Learning to be vulnerable with another person doesn’t have to be scary.

2. Dealing with painful emotions actually leads to freedom and healing.

3. Pain can also provide the best opportunities for healing and learning.

4. Present pain often brings up past trauma and can lead to healing old wounds

5. As someone goes deeper with their private pain, they often find the courage to go deeper in their own relationships

Therapy is a very personal journey. Being heard, validated and understood is so important. As a therapist, I’ve found that staying connected to my client, their pain and their perception of life’s circumstances, while trying to keep my eye on the bigger picture of hope, strength and possibility, is so important. It can be difficult to communicate both: If you over-communicate hope, you can lose connection. If you over connect/identify with the client and their pain, you can lose objectivity and, even become caught in the tailspin that brought them in, in the first place.

My days are never boring. Each person is unique. Every story is different. And, the ways depression or anxiety or trauma affects people and their relationships adds a different layer, too. My clients are courageous people and I learn something new with each and every client. They allow me to partner with them on that journey. And, that, too, is a privilege.

I’ve often said that we get a front row seat to watching God’s work in people’s lives. I’ve learned so much from my clients and their courageous and sometimes humbling work. It’s deeply personal and beautiful. I can’t tell you how many times I have seen things come together in someone’s life that dismantles old, ineffective and disabling aspects in their lives, and then watch the pieces fall into place where healing and repaired relationships occur. Pain and trauma can become opportunity. Paradigms shift and new ways of living can occur.

Sometimes, a person’s story stops me in my tracks. There are times I almost can’t comprehend the amount of trauma and pain, one person or family can endure. There are times where I am angry, hurt and overwhelmed right along with them. Watching my clients find strength they didn’t know they had, and the courage to push through the toughest things in life, is more than inspiring. And, I feel it is my job to roll up my sleeves and be tough enough to partner with them to help them find strength, resources, relationships and hope. The story is theirs, and the victory is theirs. But, I am just along for the ride and, I am honored.

So, if you’ve ever wondered about how hard it is to do what we counselors do, please know there are so many blessings. From the counselor’s couch, this work is a privilege and an honor, and, quite honestly, I am inspired.

This has been a unique season to say the least. Our Center has received so many calls from people needing appointments who are hurting, anxious, or grieving during this pandemic and time of unrest. Here’s what I’ve seen:

Isolation increases the intensity of whatever it is that we are feeling.

This can also be found on Transforming Life Counseling Center’s blog at www.tlccok.com .

What's In Your Bag?

Mon, 29 Aug 2022 17:15:43 GMT

What's In Your Bag?

There was a time in my life where the word “forgiveness” was a four letter word. Just hearing the word “forgiveness” struck the deepest cords of anger and hurt. How do you wrap your mind around something that seems nearly unforgivable? As a therapist, I have seen so much hurt and anger coming from wounds inflicted by others, by loss, and often by a series of difficult circumstances. But, this time the pain was mine, and it was deep, and it was personal. It caused ripples in every area of my life including severing key relationships in my life. At times it felt like each step I took was like walking headfirst into a blizzard, blindly, and taking my breath away, walking into uncertainty. But, each step I didn’t take could lead to certain death.

Have you felt this kind of pain? Have you suffered through difficult circumstances, losses or even ongoing painful relationships? Many of those get amplified during the Holidays, with each commercial for a Holiday meal reminding you of what you don’t have. Or the very mention of family gatherings or gift giving, can bring anxiety, stress, or in the case of lost loved ones, gut-wrenching pain.

As our family walked through our dark hours, I began to carry around a new bag, stuffed with emotions that typically weren’t mine to carry. One of the most profound “anger.” It was the kind of anger that looked more like hate and it ate away at me. This was pain deeper than I had ever imagined, leaving me in circumstances that were unfamiliar and a future I feared more than hoped for. This “bag” was heavy and I knew it would define me if I allowed it. I also knew for the first time that I could shove that bag behind some stuff in the closet and try to forget about it and just move forward. But this bag was big and it was toxic and it wasn’t going anywhere, if I didn’t do something about it myself.

Moving forward was so hard. I recalled the words of Mother Teresa, “You don’t know God is all you need, until He’s all you’ve got.” We’d lost so much, but I still had my husband and two kids, so as best as I could, I tried to believe her. I grabbed on her words like a lifeline, trying to move forward, watching pieces begin to fall together as we rebuilt our lives. Slowly, I began to step into hope, with that “bag of emotions” tucked safely inside of the closet. But what I realized was that the word “forgiveness” is actually quite powerful, because each time I heard it, that “bag of emotions” would come tumbling out of the closet and spill itself all over the floor, leaving me raw, overwhelmed and angry. The word “forgiveness” actually stopped me in my tracks and showed me exactly where I was at in my healing. As a therapist, I knew I couldn’t stay here.

I was challenged by someone to write letters that I would never send to those that hurt me and my family, I pushed through the walls of anger and exposed the raw pain that the anger had covered up, blocking me from my own healing. It was hard and I worked through grief I didn’t expect. But, I also learned several things:

I could get through it

God is enough

There is actual freedom on the other side.

I had to go through all of the stages of grief to experience that freedom, and any pit stop in the areas of anger/blame/resentment, or bargaining/guilt/codependency, or denial in any form would only serve to block me from dealing with the pain.

Dealing with pain, was exactly what led me to my own recovery.

Forgiveness came naturally for the first time, after I allowed myself to go into the dark places of my pain. And, I will never forget a lady named “Leslie” who walked through this painstaking journey with me.

In the Bible, Jesus says to forgive not 7 times, but 70x7. I always believed that this symbolized a type of forgiveness that know no limits; but, I also wonder if perhaps Jesus says this because He understood that real forgiveness might be a process? But, it also says to forgive as we have been forgiven, as an essential to being made right with God. And, it isn’t just asked in the Christian Faith, it’s expected. So, out of obedience, we step into it, 70x7, until it isn’t just words or a behavior: it is a true heart change, and includes the healing and freedom that we desire.

In the Bible there was the story of the prostitute who was about to be stoned to death by religious others, met Jesus in the context of a profound, short, but life-changing conversation. (John 8:1-11) The religious teachers and Pharisees asked Jesus if they should “stone” her as Moses had indicated. Jesus drew something in the sand and then stood and said, “He who is without sin, cast the first stone.” Each realizing they too had fallen short in various ways, dropped their stones and walked away. Here is the pivotal piece: Jesus then says to her, “Where are your accusers?” She says, “No one, Lord.” She had look up, out of fear and shame, and meet Jesus, eye to eye. I believe He asked her to look up, to see He had seen her, protected her and forgave her. Then He says, “Then neither do I condemn. Go no more in sin.” He is relational. He forgives. He gives new beginnings. He calls us to greater things. We are loved. Not because of what we do, but because of who He is.

I told you of the bag of emotions that blocked my own healing for a time... So, tell me, what’s in your bag?

This can also be found on Transforming Life Counseling Center’s blog at www.tlccok.com .